Within seconds she’s crying, Ive only just arrived at the table and Danielle is looking distraught. The next 2 hours she breaks down the details of our friend Chris abusing his girlfriend. Like many, the intiial reaction is this must be a mistake, he wouldn’t do that. This is a guide of what I learnt confronting my friend to removing myself from the friendship, and how you can apply it.
The set up, the context. Four people are involved. The abused (Jess), the abuser (Chris), mutual friend to them and I (Danielle) and myself.
1. Step back, write down your values
Jot down your point of view, name your feelings. This gets the swirl out of your head so you can see it. It will make the whole process easier. don’t over cook it. Spend 30 secs to 1 minute.
2. Talking to friends
You now have your emotions named. A bit less noise. Win!
Talk with those who are the easiest to chat to. Your friend with the motional intelligence of a rock, skip them. If you have mutual friends that know about the situation, ask how they feel about it. This can give you different vantage points. There is no judgement or pressure you need to apply to them, or feel from them. This is time to ask, listen, and gain any feelings you wrote down in step 1.
3. Get input from female friends
Ask female friends. Don’t expect them to say yes just because you asked. If they do, thats great. This is time to ask, listen, and gain any feelings. Some questions you can ask
- What would you want male friends to do if they found out their friend was abusive?
- What do men not understand when it comes to abusive behaviour toward woman?
- How would you feel if your male friend didn’t speak up about another friend’s abuse?
4. Believe the victim
At some point you need to decide if you believe the abuse occurred. This is a topic that has been written about many times so I won’t cover it. For it was soon after hearing the event I trusted the event occurred and she felt unsafe. I realised there was little to no benefit for her to go to the police, no one wants to do that.
5. Talk to your friend (the abuser) but don’t accuse them
It’s tempting to go in with guns blazing, and accuse them of the assault without all of the information. Similar to talking to your friend group of males and females, remove judgement from the conversation. This will reduce the stress on feeling the need to make a decision right there and then during the conversation. Treat this as fact-finding, be upfront about what you’ve heard, and ask for their opinion about the situation.
6. Don’t ask the abused for details
This is tempting, you might have missing pieces of information and ALL you want to do is get the bottom of the facts. The victim experiences trauma, and is not here to be your information source. Unless they offer up the details with enthusiastic consent, don’t ask them for it.
7. Safety first, for you and the abused
Before diving into details and talking to friends, gut check if it feels like your friend could abuse again. Either you, or the victim. If so, call the police.
8. Give yourself a check-in time
If cutting ties forever feels too drastic, set yourself a check in time for 6 months. This can be a chance for reflection, and understand if the action you took still feels right.